(to the sound of crickets and wind blowing..)

Well, it’s been something like months since I last blogged. But a lot has happened since my last post. My last real post was Halloween! Which was (counts back in her head) 4 months ago.

So we’re back in Arizona now. Probably not a day goes by that I don’t see the wide-open spaces and the mountains or feel the early Spring air or smell the spring plants getting ready to bloom that I don’t feel thankful for being able to move back here.

We’re in such a fortunate position. I’ve met lots of people since we moved back who aren’t so much. Out of jobs, into Chapter 7, moving back east to live with family, pulling their kids out of school, budget cuts equaling salary and benefit cuts.. and I just feel more thankful. Granted, I do feel like we paid our dues. I mean, don’t forget we lived in roughly 1000 sq ft with 4 people (and a pet) for 4 years (okay, Cate just came along 2.5 years ago but still). Not being able to afford preschool or anything team related for Grace, and going into debt just for things like groceries and bills during a scary time in the economy. And yes! This was before Obama was president because SHOCKER! The economy tanked before then.. it’s just not gotten much better since then. Okay, not turning this into politics.

Our house is great, probably a lot bigger than we need at the moment but we’ll grow into it. Price-wise our mortgage is the same as our rent on our 1000 sq ft apartment we JUST left and $250 less than the apartment we left 6 months ago. But it does feel a little big sometimes. Probably because we have no furniture downstairs. Other than our dining table. And this random sideboard thing. We’re trying to finish unpacking and even though we didn’t have much to start with, it’s been slow. I’m 35 weeks pregnant, chasing after 2 kids. Chris is working full-time PLUS so things like hanging curtains and pictures and getting the baby’s room ready haven’t been getting done. I seriously need a few more pairs of capable hands to help me out.

At 35 weeks pregnant I have one thing done. The carseats are ready. I have nothing else. Mostly this is due to A) the fact that we thought we were done after Cate so stuff just kept streaming out the door to goodwill and friends (remember? 1000 sq ft? no room for baby stuff when you are 95% sure you’re done). And B) we just haven’t had time to focus on it. Well, other than the fact that I’m 35 weeks pregnant and awkward and tired and never feeling very well because those 2 months between Thanksgiving and when we moved in here when I was constantly sick with some type of ailment really left their mark and I’m now almost scared for labor because I can barely walk up a flight of stairs without needing a water break. And a tylenol.

But, I’m sure it’ll get done. And what does a baby really really really need anyway besides a carseat (it’s the law!) and a mommy and daddy who are so excited for her to be here? Ok, and some food. From either the breast or formula variety. Haven’t decided which.

That brings us to another topic: Which will I do? There are many strikes against breastfeeding. And that is obviously not taking into account all the research showing breast is best. I’m a huge breastfeeding supporter. But I myself have not had luck with it in the past. I’m SURE there are people who think I just didn’t do enough and didn’t stick with it enough. Those people can suck it. They weren’t there through the breastfeeding holidays, the before-and-after weighings, the lactation consultants, the pumping, the drinking of nasty tinctures and eating of oatmeal and other breastfeeding-friendly foods. They also weren’t there for the crying and the bleeding and the discovery that Grace hadn’t gained the weight she needed to.

With Cate, I had lots of supply. But I had a couple other things too. One was fear because I didn’t want to go through what I went through with Grace. I also had Grace. And a baby who wouldn’t latch on correctly. So back to the lactation consultants and pumping. But this time the pumping wasn’t working. I was aching because I was engorged all the time and nothing was helping, except when I laid on my side to breastfeed because that was the only position she latched well in. But with a 2 year old, I can’t lay in bed all day breastfeeding for any length of time past when all my help left.

I had one other thing with her. Severe postpartum depression. So while part of me wants to give it a go. The other part of me wants to think about the good of the entire family and go straight back to the medication that I know I will need. I weaned off to have this baby. But I’ve had lots of periods through the last 9 months where I wish I could have taken it. I am not interested in the “breastfeeding safe” medications. Those I’ve known on them have had no good stories to tell about it. I LOVED Cymbalta. I love how I felt on it. I felt like a good mother and a good wife and I felt like I could appreciate my husband and children as well. I had no nasty side-effects.. no weight gain, no heat flashes, etc. So I’m in the process of discussing all this with my doctor and figuring out what will be the best step for us.

The bottom line? I don’t want to miss out on the first few weeks of her life because I’m too focused on the breastfeeding or depression like I was with Grace and Cate. I missed so much of that from being in a fog. Even with Cate, when I was getting enough sleep. I want to get off to a fantastic start with our new family of 5. So I guess we’ll see.

So what? That catches us up for the last 4 months.. I suppose I should do another post soon about the girls.. after all, in a few months they’ll be 5 and 3. Impossible!